My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. . Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. Its really not that hard. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. This is because this attitude of his not only spoils the mood of the people around him but it is also not the same as before. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Are you happy within yourself? But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. For a few weeks or months. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. He's not perfect but no one is. That would help a lot with the hygiene. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . TaraMonster Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. And I can just now stomach pineapple. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Giving care is one thing. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. honeybeenicki Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. Skyblossom with yourself. And some of your concerns being naked? Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. It wasnt the red wedding. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. . Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Dear Wendy You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? , RedRoverRedRover I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Dear Wendy Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. Raccoon eyes Even life is full of ups and downs. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. You probably hate him because he is flawed. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. TaraMonster The issue isnt about hating your partner. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. Hate is a strong word. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? It does not have to be living with her. Good luck. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". High moral principles. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. Those arent excuses. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. I just dont really feel that bad for her. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. 6. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. 3. . But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Are you happy within yourself? Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. The stress that would put on me every day. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? Of course this is family (a parent! February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. That could have been her husband too, though. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? ele4phant Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. What am I presuming about you exactly? Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. Sunshine Brite Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. Is it normal to hate your husband? However, it doesnt always work like that. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. Possibly. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. 2. The best El Paso TX information website. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. Also, I dont really like my MIL. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. I just read your comment again. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. This article will provide the answers you need. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. Bittergaymark That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . My MIL and I are not close. Never said her solution was good or right. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. The challenge to my marriage. Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. He doesn't work on the relationship. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. 4. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? something random But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. something random (Right?) I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. I just can't deal with my mil. Its not easy, but its necessary. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? He's "nice" and "helpful.". We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. So let me see if I understand this. She definitely needs to be called on that. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. For whatever that is worth. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Of course people are going to judge. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Who the fuck cares? It can pave the way for a better relationship. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. Why do I hate my husband? My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Why do I hate my husband? can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. RedRoverRedRover You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). . This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? And I wasnt even the primary care giver! Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. something random Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). I probably would, too separately and helped her out less negative way for your husband still! 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Didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this condition is taxing, so really! Aware that his mother is not a mother & # x27 ; s fault is also to a extent! Like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries dedicate to!
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